It almost makes the 8 soul-crushing years of the Bush Administration worth while to see you all now feeling shut out of the process. I said ‘almost’…but not quite.

I remember all too well what it was like when the Republicans took control of all three branches of government and made it loud and clear that they didn’t care about anything the Democrats had to say. Not just the Democratic members of Congress mind you, but the 49 percent of the population (+ non-voters) that didn’t vote for President Retard and the evil Neo-Cons.

The rubber-stamp congress and conservative Supreme Court were proudly doing their service to the Bush Administrations agenda and were never, for even a second, apologetic or bashful about the fact that they were in charge and fuck everyone else.

Now I get to hear my right-wing friends crying that their government has forgotten that they are there to “represent ALL of the American people.”

*Sob* …that brings back some memories…

Well, my friends you can believe what you will and I can disagree with you…but I’ll still respect your right to disagree with me. However, there is a lesson to learn in all of this. That lesson is that the further you push the pendulum to the right, the harder it will swing back to the left. What comes around, goes around. Etc., etc., etc…

The Republicans abused their power and created a backlash. Now the self-hating, schizophrenic Democrats are free to do the same. I don’t think they’re capable of actually accomplishing anything, but the GOP won’t garner any fear votes in the mid-term if we all admit that to ourselves.

Do you remember all the times Republicans “reached across the isle” during the Bush years? Neither do I.

As I’ve said before, I’m not a Democrat. I’m more of a “Bush Democrat” in that I vote Democrat only as a vote against the Republican party because the evil face they showed us at the dawning of this century (and Bush 1-era, Reagan, Nixon, etc.) The Dems are a poor choice to replace the GOP, but what else do we have?

I think the two-party system is a failed one that cannot effectively provide a representative government for a pluralistic society and when one party is in total control, a lot of people get left out.

I’m sure the pendulum will soon swing back to the evil side and people will die, but in the mean time they continue to offer no solutions, only fear and propaganda with scary words like “Socialism” and “Glenn Beck” …*shiver*

Is there hope for the future? Probably not. In all honesty, I think we’re at the end of the American Empire and the fall won’t be pleasant, but hey! We had a hell of a ride, huh?

What would the world have done without us? Maybe our little experiment will inspire something better some day…if there are any humans left, of course. Or maybe…just maybe, we’ll pull our heads out of our asses and stop worshiping our TVs, start thinking for ourselves, and get things going in the right (meaning correct, of course) direction again.

What struck me as so odd about that statement is the redundancy of that term. How can those two words ever be exclusive? The concept of nuclear weapons has always been terrorism of the highest order by their very design.

The two words that don’t seem to fit together are Nuclear Warfare; Warfare being a military struggle between two opposing armies. Nukes however, were designed to annihilate entire cities full of civilian populations.

In fact, the phrase “Mutually Assured Destruction” (MAD…coincidence?) given to us by Henry Kissenger under the Nixon administration (the second worst president ever) set forth global terrorism on the largest scale. During the cold war we lived with this “peace keeping agreement” in which the U.S.S.R. and the U.S.A. agreed that any use of Nuclear weapons would incur a crushing response from the other. In short, the entire world henceforth had to live with the threat of complete destruction if either of the world’s two superpowers got an itchy trigger finger.

People are so much easier to manage when they’re scared. Isn’t that right, Satan?

So now we get to the heart of the whole terrorism paradigm. It’s a word that is used by everyone to describe their enemy’s scare tactics…but never their own. Intimidation through brutal violence which, let’s face it, is the ever-present darker side of our human nature. To me, this is much more frightening.

In August of 1945 World War II was brought to an end by use of nuclear terrorism. President Truman warned Emperor Hirohito that unless the Japanese surrendered unconditionally they would incur complete destruction. He was then convinced by the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, courtesy of “Nuclear Warfare”.

I know many people suggest it was justified by the unprovoked attack on Pearl Harbor and that by doing so Truman saved many more lives that would have been lost in the fighting had the war continued, but I’m not arguing the justifications. That’s a topic for another day. I’m simply arguing semantics, because it was intimidation through brutal violence perpetrated against civilian populations.

There are many other examples of terrorism used in war; the firebombing of Dresden, the bombing campaign in Kosovo, “Shock and Awe” …etc… In fact, one might argue that wars are always fought and won by terrorism. Battles and invasions are always preceded by saber rattling, shows of force, threats, ultimatums, in hopes that the other side will lose their nerve or at least become psychologically defeated before the first shot is fired.

Fail that? … The most brutal violence imaginable ensues.

Terrorism is a handy, catch-all word loosely used without ever being clearly defined. It speaks to the fear within us, or perhaps more accurately it speaks to the fear OF WHAT IS within us.

Roused from his sleep by warm pigeon shit splattering on his right ear, he sat up with a groan and a “Fuck you, full bird!” As the searing pain of hangover began to split his head he sat up and reached for his “breakfast” bottle.

He tilted the bottle of cheap gin all the way to the high noon sun and gulped what turned out to be merely 20% gin, 5% backwash and 75% urine…not counting the dead gnats, mosquitoes, maggots and beetles, of course.

The vile mixture quickly sprayed from his mouth and he stared at the bottle as if it had failed to render unto him his due respect and hurled it to the side where it landed in a pile of excrement with a splat.

He scrambled to his feet and peered into the dumpster for the bundles of newspaper the lazy local paper boy tossed in lieu of performing his morning duty. He tugged at a paper until it became free of the bundle and scanned the front page for any mention of his own name.

“Holy fucking Christ! It’s 2009? It’s been 20 fucking years!” He shouted to no one in his vicinity. “When will this nightmarish trek end?”

To be continued…

Well into my 15th year of brewing, I have asked myself many times why I have never attempted an India Pale Ale, my favorite style of beer. Whenever I am trying out a new brewery’s line of beers, that is usually the first one I sample. Among my favorite beers in the world in fact, are Bell’s Two Hearted Ale, Three Floyd’s Alpha King, Dogfish Head’s 60 and/or 90 minute IPA, Upland’s Dragonfly, Mad Anthony’s IPA…etc…

Although the beers I made last summer with fresh hops a la Steve Papai were unique recipes, I did have some help predicting the amounts of grains and hops I would need to reach the gravity and bitterness (IBUs) I wanted. This time around the recipe is completely my own. I did all the calculations myself and formulated this awesome recipe.

As I write this my delicious young brew is percolating away in the fermenters, becoming what I’m sure will be my first entry into homebrewing competition later this year. I will post more on this gorgeous ale as it matures.

As for the barley wine I mentioned earlier, I announced a contest back in August for what was, and still is, my finest invention to date…however I never posted the information about the winner. My favorite entry came from my old Army buddy Jeff Amling who suggested “Stumblinfeller’s Lizzard Ale.”

That wasn’t a typo. Lizzard was my nickname in the Army and I used to write a weekly column about music called “Lizzard’s Licks.” Jeff, a fellow journalist, and I would pass any downtime we had (AKA: fucking off when we’re supposed to be working) by altering already written news stories about various commanders and other characters from Fort Campbell, KY and the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault!).

Stumblinfeller was the nickname we once gave to the then Commander of the 101st. A Major General whose name now escapes me, but who (in our fantastic tale) was struggling through a hellish nightmare of alcoholic hallucinations, vomiting and loss of bodily functions, praying endlessly for an end to this nightmarish trek.

So there you go. Jeff has earned himself a (one) bottle of Stumblinfeller’s Big Lizzard Ale and one bottle from every batch I brew of it in the future, which I plan to make an annual event at the time of hop harvest.

“We have a rendezvous with destiny
Our strength and courage strike the spark
that will always make men free
Assault right down through the skies of blue
Keep your eye on the job to be done
We’re the soldiers of the 101st
We’ll fight ‘til the battle’s won!”

This idea was pushed by our retarded ex-president as a wedge issue to energize his conservative base. Not that I’m suggesting he was being disingenuous. I’m sure in his tiny fucking brain it made perfect sense to bring magic and superstition into a place that is meant to teach children facts based on scientific research…about as much sense as teaching them how to pronounce the word nuclear.

So since this stupid fucking idea still hasn’t died, I would like to suggest theories other than evolution that should be challenged by “alternative views” so that our children can “make up their own minds.”

It’s been over 500 years since Columbus proved the world was round, but perhaps we should let the children decide if it is in fact still flat. There may be a lot of evidence to the contrary, but if it doesn’t apply to the theory of evolution, why should it apply in this case?

Perhaps we need to better inform our children of alternative views so that they may someday avoid the peril of falling off the end of the Earth.

Despite our many advances in medicine over the past few hundred years, how do we know germs really exist? I mean, if you can’t see it maybe it isn’t there. Maybe it’s just an evil spell cast by an ungodly witch or a small dwarf living in your stomach. How can we be sure that most ailments are not best treated by a good blood-letting or exorcism?

The point is, you can believe whatever you want, but I’m not paying taxes to have the public schools fill my kids heads with bullshit. That’s what church is for. Faith is based on belief, not on something that can be proven. If it could be proven, you wouldn’t need faith.

Evolution has been proven. Deal with it. If it doesn’t reconcile with your belief system, don’t try to reassure yourself by trying to fool innocent children into buying into too. Maybe it’s possible to have faith AND be rational.

Then again, maybe not. I wouldn’t know.

George Carlin has a new HBO special that’s edgier than ever! He’s a fucking genius! Oh shit, he’s dead. Dixon wins the 500. Bush is still retarded. Hilary double-crosses Obama in Michigan and Florida. Damn, it’s not Michael Palin…it’s some idiot bitch. Russia from my house. Fuck Joe the plumber. Lame Leman Brothers. Citibank needs a few billion and a new corporate jet. Greggity seems to be right about the impending 2nd Great Depression. Mavericks! Cheney masters the dark side of the force. Greggity is brewing his ass off. This one! Let’s give billions to the ultra-rich and call it a bail-out! Bush is still retarded. Obama!!! Fuck Yah!!! Dungee retires. Gruden gets fired. 2008 is over…thank god! Inaguration day = “Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead!” No more torture. No more secret CIA prisons. No more Gitmo. Obama reaches out to Republicans. House Republicans to Obama: “Thanks, but Fuck You!” Edge finally goes to the Superbowl, but no Lombardi. Bush is a retired retard. Biggest snow in 10 years. Greggity’s ass freezes off. Pass the Haggis! Must kill Punxsutawny Phil!

Who’d a thunk it? I don’t feel 40. In fact, I don’t feel much of anything lately.

I think it’s a function of age…the onset of apathy, that is. When I was young and idealistic I used to care about stuff. Some things seemed really important and worthy of my passion, but the older I get the more I realize I don’t have much impact on the world around me.

We live in a democratic republic, which is a form of government that placates the populous with the notion of control. We think our vote counts. We think our opinion counts. We think that by going out and buying crap we don’t need with money we don’t have is a great freedom to improve our lives in all sorts of little ways.

The truth is it’s all just a mind game we play with ourselves. Control is an illusion and everything that seems really important to us is just something that won’t matter to anyone in another 100 years…maybe 200 years.

We just float through life, trying each day to deal with the challenges that come at us. Sometimes it’s a cakewalk. Sometimes it tests our deepest inner strengths. But we don’t usually get to choose the changes life throws at us. We only get to choose how we deal with them.

So where is the control? It’s really all very random.

As for what’s important, I know there is nothing I’ve done in my life that matters to anyone else nor will it ever…with one exception.

…well, two. My kids.

As a father I’m helping to shape their lives, their character and the future. Sure, they will be their own people, but the quality of their childhood will shape not only the rest of their lives but the way they raise their children. I’m trying my best to pass on the values my parents gave to me and to prepare them for the challenges they will face throughout their lives.

That’s a pretty awesome responsibility, but they make it a lot of fun. So when you raise a drink to commemorate the 40th Curt-mas, make a toast to my favorite people in the whole world…Oliver and Fiona.

Cheers!

It has been an emotional and exciting week for America and has gone a long way toward restoring my faith in my country. I finally feel compelled to share my thoughts.

As a middle-aged white man, no one cares to hear my opinions regarding race. There is no way someone like me can ever understand the plight of a minority people who have struggled against overwhelming oppression and bigotry for hundreds of years.

Actually, I did get a taste of it once. When I served in the Army I was stationed at Fort Buchanan, Puerto Rico. This was the dream assignment for the thousands of Puerto Ricans serving in the U.S. Army, but being only one Company-sized Active Duty unit the slots are very hard to come by. Therefore, by the time most have managed to get that assignment they have made the Army a career for many years and have climbed the ranks.

As a result, the entire chain of command and most of the company were Puerto Rican. We white boys were the minority and I did experience some discrimination as a result.

I’m not complaining or comparing my experience with that of African-Americans and I love the Puerto Rican people. But my point is, it was a great education for me to experience what it’s like to be in the minority.

I have to honestly say that Barack Obama’s race never once entered my mind. It was clear to me from the very beginning of the primary campaign that he was the smartest candidate and the best suited for the office of President.

In fact, the whole issue of race never really occurred to me until I saw how moved African-Americans were by his election and listened to his eloquent acceptance speech which is sure to go down in history as one of the greatest.

It was then that the greater historical significance of the moment dawned on me. I was thrilled just to have the most inspiring candidate in my lifetime get elected to the highest office, but had never considered how much more it meant to so many…and really to all of us.

I hope that one of the messages African-Americans can take away from this is that the majority of us are like me, in that we don’t see things in black and white. Those days are gone. Sure, there are still racists among us and there will probably always be those who have a propensity for hatred, but this election showed that THEY are now the minority.

We all come from somewhere else…well, except for the Native Americans who were probably subjected to the worst treatment of any minority group by the U.S. government and are still marginalized and disenfranchised. But being an American means a lot more to me now than it did on Monday. It doesn’t matter where we come from whether it’s Europe, Africa, Asia, Latin America, or Betelgeuse. We have finally risen above those divisions and showed the world we are better than that.

As an afterthought, there is one thing that sets my race apart from all others. I would like to point out the irony (regarding white supremacists) that those who are most proud to be white are the ones that white people are most ashamed of.

Here are some of the slogan options you have to choose from:

Vote for Greggity and the world will know peace…we won’t have it, but we’ll know it

Vote for Greggity and he won’t murder your family in their sleep

And of course:

Vote for Greggity or everything is your fault

I am open to any other suggestions you may have.

I promise to end world hunger within the next four years and this is my plan. If you’re hungry, eat something. If you can’t afford to buy some food, ask for a handout on a street corner, interstate on-ramps. Fail that, steal food from some large faceless grocery chain or check in their dumpsters out back. If you live in a part of the world where there is no food, move to somewhere that has food. If this is not a realistic option, kill yourself.

I promise to end corruption within the U.S. Government within the first year of my administration. My first act in office will be to issue an executive order that anyone found guilty of corruption will be tarred and feathered and then placed in the stocks in front of the capital building for no less than 30 days and nights. During this time anything taxpaying citizens want to do to them or insert in them, will be allowed and encouraged.

I promise to make health care free to all U.S. Citizens. I will accomplish this with several magical incantations and spells.

I promise to end the war in Iraq. I will accomplish this by giving free chocolates to all Iraqis and send them flowers on their birthdays.

I promise to end dependence on foreign oil. All fossil fuels will be banned and America will be forced to find a better source of energy. The oil companies have made their money…fuck ‘em.

I will grant each family three wishes. You can wish for anything you want except for more wishes. These wishes will not be tax deductible however.

I will end the war on terror by winning it quickly and decisively. I will institute several suicide bomber brigades of our own. Their job will be to infiltrate the ranks of Al Qaeda and take them out using their own tactics. We have plenty of depressed and suicidal people here in America. I plan to make good use of them.

I promise to achieve World Peace within my first four years in office. I will declare to the world “You are either with us, or you’re with us.”

I mustn’t forget the financial crisis we are now in. I will dissolve all of the financial institutions in the country and institute a “Finders Keepers” policy of home ownership. If you’re living there now, it’s yours. I can’t see any flaw with this policy at all.

So don’t forget to write me in on your ballot November 4th and remember…

If you don’t vote for me, everything is your fault!